Dating With A Biblical Perspective

For some time, I've been thinking about posting some regarding my courtship with Lee. Now, this isn't it... don't get your hopes up just yet. ;) But a sweet young lady recently asked me a question regarding when and why I started looking for a mate, and it reminded me of this article I wrote back when I was 18 and I thought I'd post it here to share with her and with you all. Keep in mind that I wrote this 5 years ago and forgive any errors. :) It's a little on the long side for a blog, I know. It was originally a 5 part lesson, to be delivered over the course of a week, but I wanted it all to be in the same post. So without further ado, here's the article...


Dating With A Biblical Perspective
 
What do you think of when you hear the word dating? Maybe you envision a young couple sitting in a movie theater, or enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant? Perhaps the face of a certain person comes to mind. "Date" is defined in The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language as: "An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest." Typically, dating involves two people spending time together at different places - most often alone.
 
For the past few decades, this has been the most common means of finding someone to marry. However, many have become frustrated with the pitfalls of dating, and in recent years there has been a rise in the popularity of "courting." Courting revolves mostly around group settings and is very goal oriented. The goal is to determine, in a non-compromising way, whether or not two people are suited for marriage. In contrast, the focus of dating is usually not on commitment, but on satisfying the emotional (and sometimes physical) needs and wants of the individuals.
 
Some people seem to center their concern around whether they call their approach "dating" or "courting," but as helpful as it may be to make a differentiation between various methods, the issue is not "dating" versus "courting." The real issue is this, "Am I following God’s word in the way I carry myself and in the way I am treating others?"  The Bible does not specifically address the topic of dating, but it can help us with "all things that pertain unto life and godliness" 2 Peter 1:3, so let us look into the Bible and apply its principles to the subject of dating.
 
When studying history, one realizes that dating is really a new concept.  Until the invention and widespread use of the automobile, couples would get to know one another under the supervision of their parents, and a young man would not ask to call on a young woman unless he was prepared for marriage.  In Bible times, parents were very involved in the choosing of a mate for their children.  In fact, children rarely had much say in the matter!  In Genesis 24, we find that Abraham is concerned for Isaac’s future and he sends his servant to find a suitable wife for Isaac.  The trust that Isaac and Rebecca had in God and their parents would put most young people of today to shame.  I am not suggesting that children should have no input in the matter of whom they marry, but simply that it would be wise for parents to play an important part in helping their children choose mates.
 
In this article, we will look at four questions concerning dating.  First, Why should one date?  Second, When is one ready to date?  Third, Whom will you date?  And fourth, How will you date?  We must keep in the forefront of our mind that Christians are to be the salt and light of the world (Matt. 5:13-16), and as such, it should be obvious to the world that we are different.  Romans 12:2 commands us, "And be not fashioned according to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God."  This applies to all areas of our lives, and we would do well to continually examine ourselves to make sure that we are doing the will of God.
 
I would like to begin by asking the question, "Why should one date?" This may seem like a simple question, but many people never even stop to consider it seriously. Recently this question was posed: "What is the purpose of having a boyfriend/girlfriend?" 
 
One eleven year old girl responded, "Because when you are feelin’ down they make you feel a lot better!" Sadly, this reflects the view that the majority holds. For many people, "Because it makes me feel good" is enough of a reason to do almost anything. Dating is seen by most as a good way to have fun, find acceptance and pleasure - regardless of the long-term consequences.
 
The Christian, however, should have a different viewpoint and should take time to evaluate exactly why he or she is interested in dating. We must remember that we are to do all in the name of (or by the authority of) the Lord . . . (Col. 3:17) Ask yourself, "Am I interested just because I want the pleasure of being in a relationship, or am I ready for a commitment to marriage?"
 
Entering into a relationship when you aren’t ready for marriage is like starting a race knowing that you have no intention of finishing it! "Recreational dating" completely disregards Matt. 7:12 "All things therefore whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them..." If we are honest, we will admit that we wouldn’t want someone to become emotionally involved with us when they aren’t really serious, and then "dump" us when they are ready to move on. Thus, we should not do so to others. 
 
Philippians 2:3-5 instructs us to do "nothing through faction or through vainglory, but in lowliness of mind each counting other better than himself; not looking each of you to his own things, but each of you also to the things of others.  Have this mind in you which was also in Christ Jesus..." In every aspect of our lives we should look to the good of others before ourselves, as Christ did.
 
When putting others' best interest before our own, we will stop to consider whether the things we do will help or hinder another person - whether entering into a relationship with someone would be the best thing for that person at the time.  Additionally, one should evaluate whether or not he or she is personally ready for a marital commitment, and keep in mind that if we are not simply dating for fun, the only other valid reason would be to find a mate.
 
When is one ready for dating? Honest, prayerful self-evaluation is a necessity. Can you truly say that you are spiritually, emotionally, and physically ready to be married? Before considering marriage, there are many aspects to consider.  Men should remember that husbands are expected to provide for their own - 1 Tim. 5:8 "But if any provideth not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever." 

Those wishing to become husbands should be loving and unselfish (Eph. 5:25,28,29) and should be striving to develop the qualities of a faithful Christian man - temperate, grave, sober-minded, sound in faith, in love, in patience... uncorrupt, sound of speech... Titus 2:1-2,6-8.  These responsibilities should not be taken lightly.
 
Women wishing to become wives should keep in mind that they must be willing to be "in subjection to their own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church...  But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything" Eph. 5:22-24.
 
One who wishes to marry should learn to love their husbands and children, to be sober-minded, chaste, workers at home, kind, etc. (Titus 2:4,5) When considering entering into a relationship, remember that the reason for dating is to find a mate.  Once you are married, you can’t change your mind and decide that you want a little more time as a single!
 
Honestly assess your situation and find out if you think you are truly ready for marriage.  One can benefit greatly from consulting with those who know and care about you.  Forming an alliance with other Christians can be an enormous blessing.  "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.  For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth, and hath not another to lift him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9,10.
 
Seeking the advice of faithful Christians can help you keep a balanced view of your situation.  What do older and wiser people think?  They can help you find out if you’re ready for marriage, and perhaps point out some areas in which you need to grow.  In this situation, one must realize that those who are older are almost always seeking your best interest.
 
One would be wise to heed instruction and work on improving oneself.  Prov. 13:1 "A wise son heareth his father’s instruction; But a scoffer heareth not rebuke."  Once you are spiritually, emotionally and physically ready for marriage, that is the time when you are ready to seek a mate.
 
Now that we have considered why and when one should date, our next question is; Whom should you date?  Most people simply go about their daily business, and if they meet someone that "strikes their fancy," they pursue that person.  Some people may be more selective and may actually have a list of qualities that a potential date must posses. 
 
Sadly, many lists would look something like this, "1. Good looking 2. Dresses nice 3. Drives cool car 4. Popular....."  Obviously, these are not the building blocks of a successful relationship.  Worldly goods are never a testament to character.  Jesus warned that "a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth."  Luke 12:15.  Showing interest in someone simply because of the things they can give us is a dangerous game to play.  "For what shall a man be profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and forfeit his life?" Matt. 16:26.
 
One must bear in mind that "evil companionships corrupt good morals" 1 Cor. 15:33.  Christians should have one question at the top of the list when considering a prospective mate: "Will this person help me get to heaven?"  If the answer is yes, then you could continue finding out more about the person to see if your beliefs, interests, etc. are the same.  If the answer is no, then why would a Christian pursue a lifelong relationship with that person?  Such action would make no sense whatsoever.  2 Cor. 6:14 says, "Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers... "  Here, Christians are warned not to have intimate associations with those who are unbelievers.  A wise Christian who is truly striving to get to heaven will not consider marrying anyone who is an unbeliever, and for one to date a person whom he or she would not consider marrying would be a grave and foolish mistake indeed.
 
Another point to think about is the fact that just because someone attends worship services doesn’t mean that they are a faithful Christian.  Many, many people have obeyed the gospel initially, and then attended worship services with the Lord's people for years without ever truly giving their life to Christ.  One who is focused on serving God will want to make sure that whoever he or she is interested in also has that same focus.  "No man can serve two masters" Matt. 6:24, but there are many people who try.  These are the lukewarm Christians (Rev. 3:15,16), who try to keep one foot in the church and one foot in the world.  This kind of person makes God sick, and is obviously not the type that a faithful Christian would want to marry. 
 
Privately seeking advice from older, faithful Christians, and forming a friendship before you begin a relationship with someone can be profoundly helpful in determining the character of that person.  When seeking a mate, we should heed the principle which Christ used in Matthew 12:25 "...Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand."  We must remember that in the foundation of a home, unity in Christ must be the cornerstone.
 
How will you date?  Often little or no thought is given to this question, but it is a valid one.  The way in which one will date is an important decision that should not be taken lightly.  The common method of dating encourages physical intimacy while discouraging true friendship.  This is obviously a problem.  The most popular places for dates are dimly lit, unsupervised areas, which serve as dangerous catalysts to physical attraction.
 
As Christians, we are to abstain from every appearance of evil (1 Thess. 5:22).  We are warned, as Timothy was, to "flee youthful lusts" (2 Tim. 2:22).  God did not tell us to "attempt to resist" or to "confront" lust, He said to flee.  If we are fleeing lust, we won’t be placing ourselves in those compromising situations and tempting places that are so popular in typical dating.  Spending time in a group setting, especially with family and friends, can serve to minimize temptation as well as provide a setting in which one will be more genuine.  In a group that includes family and friends, one can get a far more accurate view of another person’s character than would be presented if a couple was alone. 

In his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris proposes four stages for a relationship: 1. Casual friendship. 2. Deeper friendship. 3. Purposeful intimacy with integrity. 4. Engagement.  These are not hard and fast rules, but are simply suggestions that help keep the focus on what is pure and honorable in the sight of God. (Phil. 4:8) 

Notice that the relationship begins with friendship.  It is friendship, not infatuation, which will stand the test of time.  Casual friendship allows one to observe the character of another in an unobtrusive way.  Deeper friendship can develop naturally if two people are compatible.  Cultivating a deeper friendship enables people to get to know one another at a less superficial level without the complications of romantic interests.  After getting to know someone as a good friend, one can have a much better idea of whether or not pursuing a deeper relationship would be a good idea. 

In the third stage, it is proposed that a couple should pursue "purposeful intimacy with integrity."  What is meant by that?  The word "integrity" is defined in The American Dictionary of the English Language as: "moral soundness or purity; incorruptness; uprightness; honesty."  We must always be vigilant to maintain our integrity, but it is emphasized here especially because of the temptation to become slack at this time.  It is imperative that we keep verses like Matthew 18:6 in the forefront of our mind, as they remind us of the seriousness of causing someone to stumble.  We must be very careful that we do not become a stumbling block to anyone. 

In this context, intimacy is not referring to sexual intimacy, but an honorable "closeness" and affection.  When a couple has a purposeful intimacy at this stage in their relationship, they are growing closer and learning about each other on an even deeper level so that they can be sure about whether or not they wish to spend the rest of their lives together. 

Romans 12:9, 10 says "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor that which is evil, cleave to that which is good. In love of the brethren be tenderly affectioned one to another; in honor preferring one another."  In every stage of any relationship we must treat others with honor and unselfish love, putting others’ best interest before our own.  This should be the "trademark" of Christianity - John 13:34,35  "A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; even as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have one to another." 

If we follow the commandments of the Bible throughout the dating process, as well as in every other area, we will show the world what it means to be a follower of Christ and we will be richly blessed by God.  Matthew 6:33 "...seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." 

:)